Dean is not Okay
by zxully
Summary: Bobby muses about Dean and how he's handling everything that's happened to him. Set in early season 7, so beware for spoilers. Rated for mentions of child abuse. Destiel friendship. One-shot.


**Notes** : This is set at the beginning of season 7, after 2nd episode. It's a one-shot.

 **Warning** : child abuse, angst, mentions of suicide, spoilers

 **Disclaimer** : Not mine. If they were, I'd make Destiel canon. You know I would.

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Dean is not okay.

Bobby thinks Dean has never really been okay. Or maybe he was when he was four years old. Before the fire. Before Azazel took his mother. Before it changed his father into a monster.

Bobby sighs, rubbing his temples. He feels remorse thinking about John Winchester as a monster. But he hurt those boys more than all Wendigos, Shtrigas, demons and angels and Leviathans ever did.

Especially Dean.

When they're chasing the Leviathans they spend a lot of time together, or on the phone. They work cases together. They have each others' backs, Sam, Dean and Bobby.

Although they never talk about the voice message Dean left Bobby that day.

" _You cannot be in that crater back there. I can't… If you're gone, I swear I am gonna strap my Beautiful Mind brother into the car and I'm gonna drive us off the pier."_

It's one of those things, Bobby is certain of it, that you never forget in your life. The sheer panic as realization hit him like a ton of bricks, that Dean really could do it. Because Bobby knows Dean could.

It's not a surprise that he doesn't talk about it, that he doesn't _want_ to talk about it. Partially, Bobby blames John for that. Dean taught Sam how to express his feelings, how to talk about his fears and doubts and he has always been there for Sam. He'd ask him question and even hold his hand when something was bugging Sam. He'd squeeze it out of him if he had to.

But Bobby knows that John never let Dean talk about his fears and doubts, about his feelings. He usually beat the crap out of him whenever Dean was crying or hurt or just plain tired. Especially if John was drunk. "In war there is no time for pussies," he'd say then. "You have to man up and lock your problems inside."

He'd spare Sammy, Bobby can give him that. He always wanted to spare Sammy and that's one of the reasons Dean always wants what's best for his little brother. Because it was beaten into him with iron fists and a leather belt.

When Bobby first found out about it, he beat John unconscious and took the boys home. Dean was twelve then.

John came begging for forgiveness and Dean forgave him. He always did.

Two months later Sam ran away on Dean's watch in Flagstaff.

It's been almost twenty years and Bobby still remembers the panic in Dean's voice when he called and told him that Sam has gone missing. He was frantic, terrified; it broke Bobby's heart then, because a child shouldn't be suffering those kinds of emotions.

After Sam was found, John brought the brothers to Bobby's. Dean had a black eye, two broken ribs and problems sitting down. His whole back was covered in dark, bruised stripes Bobby knew came only from a belt.

Dean broke down that day. After Sammy went to sleep, Dean cried for what seemed like forever. Cried about his fear, his loneliness, his pain, his panic about Sammy missing.

Bobby fed him painkillers and let him sleep for two days straight. But what woke up after those two days wasn't Dean. It was a grown man inside a teenager's body, with sunken eyes and a troubled soul.

Dean never talked about his feelings after that. No matter how much whiskey he'd drink or how tired he'd be, Bobby couldn't get more than an "I'm fine" or "Let's worry about Sam" from him.

After everything Dean's sacrificed for his family, after everything he's lost... He knows Dean dealt with Jo and Ellen's death. He knows Dean dealt with John's death. With Sam's death. And with his return (twice). He dealt with Castiel's death the first time. And the second time, too.

Castiel... Bobby's not so sure Dean deals with Castiel's death right now.

Because Castiel was the only person – other than Sam – that Dean confided in.

As soon as Dean trusted Castiel, Bobby knew this relationship was going to be beneficial for him. Dean desperately needed someone to confide in. To listen to him and offer silent comfort, to know when he's not okay.

Sure, Bobby could do that; Sam could do it too.

But somehow it was this nerdy angel who got through to him by just being there, keeping him company, silently offering support. Staring him straight in the eye when no one else did. When Bobby didn't. When Sam didn't.

And even despite Castiel's betrayal, Bobby know that Dean is not okay with his death.

He will never be okay.

So, for the first time in years, Bobby prays to God, whichever one will listen, to bring Dean his best friend back.

Because maybe, just maybe, if Castiel was here, Dean would be okay.

If only for a moment.

 _The End._

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A/N: What did you think about it? I hope mean!John was not too disturbing for anyone. I guess after some episodes I can't picture him in any other way. I know he sacrificed himself for Dean in the end andd it's for the best, but... I don't think he was a good father at all.

So, anyway, please review!


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